So, I was going write out this whole long ass blog post about Facebook etiquette and dudes being thirsty on women’s walls and pictures, and even tagging them in gay ass bathroom model pics, but that shit can wait. I discovered what could possibly be the funniest song of all time, “Colonic” by Tony Roberts, and then this Nah Son! fuckery @starchildluke and @softjunebreeze sent me.
Shits are hilarious though.
Also, since I have tomorrow off, you may or may not get a blog post from me. I wouldn’t bet on it though. I’m lazy.
Any of my readers out there know of any other silly ass fuckery that I might enjoy?
Look, I got a paper I have to write, so I’m just gonna drop this off here and tell you to enjoy. It’s a cover of Andre 3K’s “Prototype” by Jesse Boykins III. It’s long, but soulful as hell, and the ending has a few surprises.
Also, I need my hair to get on that Jesse Boykins III status, for real.
Full featured post coming tomorrow.
EDIT: I found the mp3 out there for all of you, because I’m such a nice guy download by right-clicking and choose “Save As”.
So Egypt had all these protests and the people told Mubarak
And then the people of Libya got the idea of freedom so they were like
But Ghaddafi didn’t think they were gonna do it because he was living like
But then they started actually attacking his places and he was like
Then when his army started defecting and taking weapons Ghaddafi was like
In the meantime America and Europe was all
Then the rebels started feeling themselves and Garfinelfunk was all like
And then started bombing the shit out of them and all the white folks were like
But gas started going up so Americans were all like
Since the rebels asked for our help and earlier we were all
We told them we were FINALLY coming to their aid so Gabootypopper was like
and then he was talking all types of ish about he this was gonna end up like
But then he agree to a ceasefire and we just was like
and bombed him anyways and enacted a no-fly zone and told him
Otherwise known as “More Cookie Cutter Rap by CRYM”. This verse is a satire of the various phrases used in rap that don’t actually mean anything and just serve as stock for simple similes. Enjoy, or don’t, it’s not like it took me any effort.
Arbitrary phrases rappers use to portray this
Lifestyle and make you get hype off the playlist
I’m on my grind like the bottom of a skateboard
Or some player in the club dancing with a fake whore
I get it in like Kobiyashi or a porn star
And you know I’m on point like thorns are
Sharper than a pencil about to take the ACT
So that means I’m the number two and all this paper waits for me
Shining like a thousand suns and it feels splendid
Chatting up Barbie not about to ask where Ken is
Skills tremendous, hip-hop looks horrendous
I’m taking crowns off like the dentist
I ate nine of your top ten like the number seven
The last real man alive but I am not legend
I’m the truth, keep it one hundred like a fucking century
This is number 21 so down a shot of Hennessey
I go harder than diamonds and at least twice as valuable
Trying to get jacked son like L, Samuel
World renouned like another person place or thing
I hear the bees buzzing but I can’t feel the sting
Following you backwards, didnt know that I could sing
You are just a court jester, come and entertain the king
So sick they quarantine me like a leper colony
So I made them the subject of this tragic comedy
It’s ironic, those who rap about the mafia are wack
I declare war on stars and strike the empire back
Not a freshman in this game, I reek of subsophomority
Iller than a whole hospital wing, call and orderly
You claim to be the shit, Ill stuff your body in a bedpan
And my IQ is higher than Method Man and Redman
Your flow is sweet and dry like a stale pack of raisins
Where would rap be without arbitrary phrases
Are you ready? This shit could happen. Why? Because I just had a dream about it. Not the kind of Rambo-esque type dream where I was mowing down zombies left and right though. I actually only shot 2 zombies. Technically I shot someone while they were still human, but they were really close to turning and like 2 minutes later they jumped up as a zombie and I shot them again. Then I also threatened this guy to paint the walls with his brains if he ever threatened me again, because he was all mad I shot that chick early and the resulting noise attracted more zombies. Okay so I shot more than 2, like 8.
Still though, most of the dream was about dealing with the breakdown of society and how people reformed into tribal groups and their survival mentality led to some strange happenings. Like the strip club/chicken place called Breasts & Wings (greatest idea BTW, and if you steal it I will kill you), where this dude saved the strippers and opened raises chickens in the back of the place. Then the gun store was run by some Indian dude who didn’t like violence. Then there were the gang of Haitians who thought I was Puerto Rican…and then subsequently tried to kill me. It was all weird, but it let me know quite a few things:
1. Talking about zombies enough will lead to having a dream about one, count on it.
2. Find some guns as soon as things start off with the zombie apocalypse. Makes things easier later on down the road.
Have lots of ammo and spare magazines for said guns and actually know how to use them. You don’t want to try to figure out how a gun works when a zombie is 5 feet away from biting your face off. Also reminded: aim for the head. That should probably be its separate point but always aim for the head, regardless of whether you are using a gun, a sledgehammer, meat cleaver, dildo, doesn’t matter. Well actually I would be a tad bit concerned if you were trying to fight off zombies with a dildo, but hey, different strokes for different folks.
3. Don’t be the last one to hit up a grocery store.
I would actually advise looting a grocery store first. After all, you can’t eat bullets for dinner. All the non-perishables WILL be gone in the first 48 hours, count on it. So I would advise you to a) if shit hasn’t gotten real yet but you know its about to, calmly buy up all the canned food and dog food you can or b)if shit just got real as fuck, back up a damn SUV right through the front door and raid that hell out of the store.
4. Water. Make sure you have it, or live close enough to a large body of fresh water. Dehydration is not the way you want to go out.
I don’t think I could possibly stress this enough. Remember the rule of 4. You can only go 4 minutes without air, 4 days without water, and 4 weeks without food before you die. Have water, When you hit the grocery store a metric fuckton of bottled water should be on that list, along with filling every container that can be reasonably sealed in your house with water. I don’t possibly think I could stress exactly how essential water is to…everything. Have it.
5. Ladies: If you are good-looking, you are going to want to attach yourself to a man who has plenty of survival skills and can assure you live for a long time, that’s all you need to do, because believe me, that negro with the new jordans won’t make it a week. Ugly chicks, I suggest you learn some survival skills or be amazing at pleasing a man or something, because you might be ass out.
Call me an asshole, call me a cynic, but during an apocalypse, you are out for your own self-interest, which means you are basically using people. It’s only a problem when you are trying to use someone when you provide no tangible benefit to the other person. Hot chick, she allows a man to have sex and possibly procreate with a hot chick. It’s as basic as genetics. Fat chick, ugly chicks; you better have some survival skills or something, because for a man trying to survive, you really don’t serve a purpose to him. You better know how to rebuild transmissions or make solar panels out of aluminum foil, duct tape, floss, and an old 50 Cent cd, because that’s the only way they are going to want to keep you around. Conversely, hot chicks, you might want to keep that prude shit pre-apocalypse, because your dream guy is now stumbling around as a walking corpse with half his face eaten off. I keep you alive, you need to be more than willing to drop it like it’s hot.
6. Fat people, lose weight. Being able to run isn’t an option. Zombies don’t get tired.
A good 30-something percent of Americans are fat and out of shape. That’s real. Of course you are thinking “Well, that means 1/3rd of the zombies will be too fat to catch me anyways!” Yeah, that would be true, except for a couple things. One, chances are their fat WILL burn off from the fact that they never sleep and are always moving around. Secondly, because they don’t get tired. Your fat ass will get winded after a block, but that fat zombie can keep running until their body literally falls apart mid-stride. So yeah, get in shape, learn how to climb shit, get your upper-body strength up, and watch a couple parkour videos. It could save your life.
7. Know how to siphon gas. Good skill especially if you have to use transportation to get away from an area that is now uninhabitable.
Seriously, you will need to know this in order to take what little bit of refined gas will be left. Know how to pull gas out of abandoned cars, underground gas station pumps, all sources. Know how to run a pump too, as that could make the process a lot easier, especially when dealing with gas stations. The last thing you want to do is be trapped in an area that was once pretty peaceful but now contains a clusterfuck of zombies.
8. Never join a group of people based on race or ethnic background alone.
You would think this would be common sense, but a lot of you people out there in the world as dumb as shit. You join groups based on skillset and benefit or if they are CLOSE friends. Why would you want to be in a group where likely the only thing keeping you from turning on each other is, “oh all are the same skin color,” or “but we all speak the same dialect of <insert language>”. Guess what, that won’t keep a person from getting on some unplanned bullshit. Now if the reasons are “man that guy can hunt his ass off,” or “He taught me how to use <insert weapon> effectively,” its a much better chance of cohesion and way more likely to defuse potentially volatile conflicts.
9. Keep your friends close, and your enemies far far FAR away from you, or kill them outright.
Yep. Think about it. your emotions during a time of unimaginable stress and conflict all become magnified, so people who just mildly disliked you now hate you, and those who couldn’t stand you are likely to want to walk around with you head on a mop handle and prop that shit up in the front lawn. Avoid them whenever possible, because the most likely conflict will come is when they see you do ANYTHING that isn’t dying. If you are doing ANYTHING that is in some way positive, they will develop a jealousy that you have never seen. Now, if avoiding them isn’t an option and you KNOW that this person will be a problem for you, whether they are living or undead, and ONLY if society has already completely broken down, take their ass out. No one is going to arrest you, and better to get the jump on them then they get it on you. Sounds fucked up, I know, but I rather not be the one on the business end of a gun over the fact that they hate me because I yell at their ass for fucking up my order all the time at McDonalds.
10. Fishing. Cooking. Hunting. Know them well.
If you don’t know how to fish or hunt then chances are you will be jolly well fucked. If you are a hot chick, well you will still be fucked, but not exactly in the way anyone not in your category would be. These are the skills that will keep you alive long after the zombies are gone. Society will take a LONG fucking time to rebuild itself. A good 10 years at LEAST. Plus add in all the bureaucratic nonsense with people wanting to exert power and establishing laws again and religion and all sorts of other immature hangups people have that will impede the progress of humanity. Word to the wise: If you have a nice group or community you have that works. Stick with it. Don’t be in a rush to return to society at large, because it will, basing off the past of human society, it will be a clusterfuck. Bet on it.
Well, these are rules to survival. I’m sure I have a few more, but I wanted to give them to all of you while they were fresh in my mind. Remember these things, because they may save your life. Oh, and don’t come looking for me, I may or may not have gone insane and may or may not shoot you on sight.
Unless you are a hottie.