The Oatmeal – theoatmeal.com
Let me tell you, this is a new discovery by me, but this guy’s site is HILARIOUS as shit. He uses his artistic style to tell you what would normally be in a bllog post, has a book, and his more hilarious comics can even be ordered as a poster. Check his site out, and its SFW, so go ahead and die of laughter during lunch break.
Epic Meal Time – epicmealtime.com
First off, I like bacon. These dudes LOVE bacon. As in, they built a scale model building out of bacon. They fucking LOVE bacon. They are a bunch of Canadian cooks that make the most random meals, and they are epic as hell. The host, hilarious as shit. I mean, this dude has no script and I can’t even describe the tears I have weeped in laughter. The Food Network should seriously pick this show up.
Felonious Munk is a comedian who rocks shows up and down the eastern seaboard, and makes the realest videos out there. Nothing better than something that makes you laugh and think at the same time. Catch his tweets at @felonious_munk
Alright, so if you have read this site for any measure of time, I love internet memes and random ass GIF files that make me laugh. My favorite one right now though is this guy, Joseph Ducreux.
First off, this picture is hilarious as fuck without captions. Its at least 5000 niggas posing like this in pictures at the club every night, so to show that dudes was doing it in portraits 300 years ago makes it 100 times funnier. Now let’s introduce some memes based on this picture. Thanks to Meme Generator I can put my own captions. Let’s start with mines, shall we?
I think I’m pretty goddamn hilarious.
But lets play a game. I’m going to throw up a shitload of these and I want you to see how many of these you can guess what song or the original phrase this is from.
Now before you all roll your eyes at the sight of yet another unimportant member of the general public expressing rage toward an 8th grade girl who became famous singing about a certain day of the week I have come to dread, allow me to assure you, I’m better than the others. That being said, I’d like to take this time to break down the toxic, corrosive presence embodied in talentless teen Rebecca Black.
Referring to the title, I truly believe we may be facing the end of American popular culture as a whole. Now it’s not Black’s fault completely. Justin Bieber, Twilight, Soulja Boy and the last decade of Disney productions (namely Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers and other subhumans manufactured by the profit-and-youth-consuming legacy of Walt’s frozen head) did most of the leg work. Consider Rebecca Black the straw that broke the camel’s back. But instead of a camel, it’s my shreds of hope for humanity and instead of a straw, it’s a Rebecca Black sandwich with sparkly, auto-tuned camel shit for bread. You see, America’s standard of quality that media needs meet in order to achieve popularity has plummeted, making so people like Bieber and Black can have millions of plays on YouTube in a week and Michael Bay’s Transformers are taken seriously as works of cinema.
In other words, it seems as though to be enormously popular, a piece of media must be:
1) Completely devoid of balls. Disney creations and Rebecca Black are no-brainers for this criterion, while films like Hop and Diary of a Wimpy Kid and shows like iCarly and whatever’s on Cartoon Network nowadays (I can’t risk actually checking or i may slip into a blind, tv-destroying fury followed by a deep depression) might have slid under your sacklessness radar riding on the “kontent 4 kidz!!!” excuse. But even this children’s programming has fewer bpm (balls per minute) than their counterparts of yesteryear. Consider Hey Arnold. That show was real as all fuck- bunch of misfit kids in Brooklyn, some minority tensions, muggers, real shit. Now look what Nickelodeon’s become:
2) Superbly annoying. There’s just something about Rebecca Black and her culture-killing comrades that makes level-headed persons universally and unanimously want to slap both their individual shits and collective shit. It’s that voice that sounds like a frustrated cow trying desperately to untie her udders after a group of local boys decided to practice sailing knots on nearby cattle. It’s her utter (not intentional) inability to write lyrics beyond the scope of her archetypical pre-weekend experiences, the sequence in which days go, and the relatable societal concern of seat-based indecision. Meanwhile lyricists starve and get single digit playcounts on Soundcloud (speaking of which, http://soundcloud.com/crym/sets/off-the-spectrum). I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell do not need lessons on the order of days from some chick who probably got her first period the week before recording that song.
That’s about all I can handle for now without developing a rage-induced ulcer, but I’ll be back with more rants and laments toward the current state of popular culture. Maybe I’ll make it a regular thing, who knows. Stay classy, fam (I’m allowed to say “fam”, right?).
P.S. I’d like to add that the ARK Music Factory is indeed a factory in every sense of the word, except that only white people work in it. Still, the label contains ghoulish incarnations of Upton Sinclair’s nightmares all the same.
So, I was going write out this whole long ass blog post about Facebook etiquette and dudes being thirsty on women’s walls and pictures, and even tagging them in gay ass bathroom model pics, but that shit can wait. I discovered what could possibly be the funniest song of all time, “Colonic” by Tony Roberts, and then this Nah Son! fuckery @starchildluke and @softjunebreeze sent me.
Shits are hilarious though.
Also, since I have tomorrow off, you may or may not get a blog post from me. I wouldn’t bet on it though. I’m lazy.
Any of my readers out there know of any other silly ass fuckery that I might enjoy?
So Egypt had all these protests and the people told Mubarak
And then the people of Libya got the idea of freedom so they were like
But Ghaddafi didn’t think they were gonna do it because he was living like
But then they started actually attacking his places and he was like
Then when his army started defecting and taking weapons Ghaddafi was like
In the meantime America and Europe was all
Then the rebels started feeling themselves and Garfinelfunk was all like
And then started bombing the shit out of them and all the white folks were like
But gas started going up so Americans were all like
Since the rebels asked for our help and earlier we were all
We told them we were FINALLY coming to their aid so Gabootypopper was like
and then he was talking all types of ish about he this was gonna end up like
But then he agree to a ceasefire and we just was like
and bombed him anyways and enacted a no-fly zone and told him
Otherwise known as “More Cookie Cutter Rap by CRYM”. This verse is a satire of the various phrases used in rap that don’t actually mean anything and just serve as stock for simple similes. Enjoy, or don’t, it’s not like it took me any effort.
Arbitrary phrases rappers use to portray this
Lifestyle and make you get hype off the playlist
I’m on my grind like the bottom of a skateboard
Or some player in the club dancing with a fake whore
I get it in like Kobiyashi or a porn star
And you know I’m on point like thorns are
Sharper than a pencil about to take the ACT
So that means I’m the number two and all this paper waits for me
Shining like a thousand suns and it feels splendid
Chatting up Barbie not about to ask where Ken is
Skills tremendous, hip-hop looks horrendous
I’m taking crowns off like the dentist
I ate nine of your top ten like the number seven
The last real man alive but I am not legend
I’m the truth, keep it one hundred like a fucking century
This is number 21 so down a shot of Hennessey
I go harder than diamonds and at least twice as valuable
Trying to get jacked son like L, Samuel
World renouned like another person place or thing
I hear the bees buzzing but I can’t feel the sting
Following you backwards, didnt know that I could sing
You are just a court jester, come and entertain the king
So sick they quarantine me like a leper colony
So I made them the subject of this tragic comedy
It’s ironic, those who rap about the mafia are wack
I declare war on stars and strike the empire back
Not a freshman in this game, I reek of subsophomority
Iller than a whole hospital wing, call and orderly
You claim to be the shit, Ill stuff your body in a bedpan
And my IQ is higher than Method Man and Redman
Your flow is sweet and dry like a stale pack of raisins
Where would rap be without arbitrary phrases
Ever seen people dance badly to Ginuwine’s sing “Pony”? Ever seen a supermix of it? Well, if not, ummm…here you go.
Also random pictures that make me laugh.