The Oatmeal – theoatmeal.com
Let me tell you, this is a new discovery by me, but this guy’s site is HILARIOUS as shit. He uses his artistic style to tell you what would normally be in a bllog post, has a book, and his more hilarious comics can even be ordered as a poster. Check his site out, and its SFW, so go ahead and die of laughter during lunch break.
Epic Meal Time – epicmealtime.com
First off, I like bacon. These dudes LOVE bacon. As in, they built a scale model building out of bacon. They fucking LOVE bacon. They are a bunch of Canadian cooks that make the most random meals, and they are epic as hell. The host, hilarious as shit. I mean, this dude has no script and I can’t even describe the tears I have weeped in laughter. The Food Network should seriously pick this show up.
Felonious Munk is a comedian who rocks shows up and down the eastern seaboard, and makes the realest videos out there. Nothing better than something that makes you laugh and think at the same time. Catch his tweets at @felonious_munk
Alright, so if you have read this site for any measure of time, I love internet memes and random ass GIF files that make me laugh. My favorite one right now though is this guy, Joseph Ducreux.
First off, this picture is hilarious as fuck without captions. Its at least 5000 niggas posing like this in pictures at the club every night, so to show that dudes was doing it in portraits 300 years ago makes it 100 times funnier. Now let’s introduce some memes based on this picture. Thanks to Meme Generator I can put my own captions. Let’s start with mines, shall we?
I think I’m pretty goddamn hilarious.
But lets play a game. I’m going to throw up a shitload of these and I want you to see how many of these you can guess what song or the original phrase this is from.
Now before you all roll your eyes at the sight of yet another unimportant member of the general public expressing rage toward an 8th grade girl who became famous singing about a certain day of the week I have come to dread, allow me to assure you, I’m better than the others. That being said, I’d like to take this time to break down the toxic, corrosive presence embodied in talentless teen Rebecca Black.
Referring to the title, I truly believe we may be facing the end of American popular culture as a whole. Now it’s not Black’s fault completely. Justin Bieber, Twilight, Soulja Boy and the last decade of Disney productions (namely Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers and other subhumans manufactured by the profit-and-youth-consuming legacy of Walt’s frozen head) did most of the leg work. Consider Rebecca Black the straw that broke the camel’s back. But instead of a camel, it’s my shreds of hope for humanity and instead of a straw, it’s a Rebecca Black sandwich with sparkly, auto-tuned camel shit for bread. You see, America’s standard of quality that media needs meet in order to achieve popularity has plummeted, making so people like Bieber and Black can have millions of plays on YouTube in a week and Michael Bay’s Transformers are taken seriously as works of cinema.
In other words, it seems as though to be enormously popular, a piece of media must be:
1) Completely devoid of balls. Disney creations and Rebecca Black are no-brainers for this criterion, while films like Hop and Diary of a Wimpy Kid and shows like iCarly and whatever’s on Cartoon Network nowadays (I can’t risk actually checking or i may slip into a blind, tv-destroying fury followed by a deep depression) might have slid under your sacklessness radar riding on the “kontent 4 kidz!!!” excuse. But even this children’s programming has fewer bpm (balls per minute) than their counterparts of yesteryear. Consider Hey Arnold. That show was real as all fuck- bunch of misfit kids in Brooklyn, some minority tensions, muggers, real shit. Now look what Nickelodeon’s become:
2) Superbly annoying. There’s just something about Rebecca Black and her culture-killing comrades that makes level-headed persons universally and unanimously want to slap both their individual shits and collective shit. It’s that voice that sounds like a frustrated cow trying desperately to untie her udders after a group of local boys decided to practice sailing knots on nearby cattle. It’s her utter (not intentional) inability to write lyrics beyond the scope of her archetypical pre-weekend experiences, the sequence in which days go, and the relatable societal concern of seat-based indecision. Meanwhile lyricists starve and get single digit playcounts on Soundcloud (speaking of which, http://soundcloud.com/crym/sets/off-the-spectrum). I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell do not need lessons on the order of days from some chick who probably got her first period the week before recording that song.
That’s about all I can handle for now without developing a rage-induced ulcer, but I’ll be back with more rants and laments toward the current state of popular culture. Maybe I’ll make it a regular thing, who knows. Stay classy, fam (I’m allowed to say “fam”, right?).
P.S. I’d like to add that the ARK Music Factory is indeed a factory in every sense of the word, except that only white people work in it. Still, the label contains ghoulish incarnations of Upton Sinclair’s nightmares all the same.
So, I was going write out this whole long ass blog post about Facebook etiquette and dudes being thirsty on women’s walls and pictures, and even tagging them in gay ass bathroom model pics, but that shit can wait. I discovered what could possibly be the funniest song of all time, “Colonic” by Tony Roberts, and then this Nah Son! fuckery @starchildluke and @softjunebreeze sent me.
Shits are hilarious though.
Also, since I have tomorrow off, you may or may not get a blog post from me. I wouldn’t bet on it though. I’m lazy.
Any of my readers out there know of any other silly ass fuckery that I might enjoy?
So Egypt had all these protests and the people told Mubarak
And then the people of Libya got the idea of freedom so they were like
But Ghaddafi didn’t think they were gonna do it because he was living like
But then they started actually attacking his places and he was like
Then when his army started defecting and taking weapons Ghaddafi was like
In the meantime America and Europe was all
Then the rebels started feeling themselves and Garfinelfunk was all like
And then started bombing the shit out of them and all the white folks were like
But gas started going up so Americans were all like
Since the rebels asked for our help and earlier we were all
We told them we were FINALLY coming to their aid so Gabootypopper was like
and then he was talking all types of ish about he this was gonna end up like
But then he agree to a ceasefire and we just was like
and bombed him anyways and enacted a no-fly zone and told him
Otherwise known as “More Cookie Cutter Rap by CRYM”. This verse is a satire of the various phrases used in rap that don’t actually mean anything and just serve as stock for simple similes. Enjoy, or don’t, it’s not like it took me any effort.
Arbitrary phrases rappers use to portray this
Lifestyle and make you get hype off the playlist
I’m on my grind like the bottom of a skateboard
Or some player in the club dancing with a fake whore
I get it in like Kobiyashi or a porn star
And you know I’m on point like thorns are
Sharper than a pencil about to take the ACT
So that means I’m the number two and all this paper waits for me
Shining like a thousand suns and it feels splendid
Chatting up Barbie not about to ask where Ken is
Skills tremendous, hip-hop looks horrendous
I’m taking crowns off like the dentist
I ate nine of your top ten like the number seven
The last real man alive but I am not legend
I’m the truth, keep it one hundred like a fucking century
This is number 21 so down a shot of Hennessey
I go harder than diamonds and at least twice as valuable
Trying to get jacked son like L, Samuel
World renouned like another person place or thing
I hear the bees buzzing but I can’t feel the sting
Following you backwards, didnt know that I could sing
You are just a court jester, come and entertain the king
So sick they quarantine me like a leper colony
So I made them the subject of this tragic comedy
It’s ironic, those who rap about the mafia are wack
I declare war on stars and strike the empire back
Not a freshman in this game, I reek of subsophomority
Iller than a whole hospital wing, call and orderly
You claim to be the shit, Ill stuff your body in a bedpan
And my IQ is higher than Method Man and Redman
Your flow is sweet and dry like a stale pack of raisins
Where would rap be without arbitrary phrases
Ever seen people dance badly to Ginuwine’s sing “Pony”? Ever seen a supermix of it? Well, if not, ummm…here you go.
Also random pictures that make me laugh.
Welp, softjunebreeze poisoned my mind with this video last night, so I feel its only right to share it with the rest of the populace. It’s directed by Eric from Tim and Eric Awesome Show that used to come on Adult Swim, so you can just imagine the fuckery that is going to happen in this video. Actually, you can’t. You really can’t.
Also download this 757 mixtape, bring you the best of the 757 in Virginia, like Missy, the Neptunes, Aaliyah, Timbaland, and others. It goes hard. I’ve been bumping this all damn day. Link and direct download after the back cover.
So, all of black Twitter and the rap blog sites are all abuzz about nude pics of Amber Rose hitting the ‘net. Am I gonna post them? Fuck no. This is a family blog dammit, and I will not have any of that shit and that fuckery displayed here. BUT I will link you at the bottom if you are wholly incompetent at using Google. Me personally? I don’t give a damn. I have actual porn. Like, a LOT of it. There are plenty of better looking chicks doing a whole lot more than just standing around with their breasts all out. Plus she isn’t that fine anyways. I’ve seen plenty of eye-candy in these 25 years on Earth, and I have been farther than 10 miles from the neighborhood I have grown up in, so she isn’t that raw.
Plus people, seriously, there’s like a world of real porn out there. Like 1/3rd of the internet is JUST porn.
Aiight, so I haven’t blogged in like 7 weeks. I would love to chalk it up to something like sickness or a death in the family, but truth is, I got lazy. Well that and I was trying some new shit with my life that’s working out, dealing with my ex, watching the first 4 seasons of 30 Rock, shit like that. I’m back now though, and I want this site to be just as ridiculous as when I started, but with a twist.
Now I want people to ask me questions as well. Send them through my email at firstname.lastname@example.org, ask anonymously through my Tumblr at gregisdumb.tumblr.com/ask send them to me by pigeon, call me, shit, ask me in the frozen food section at the grocery store when I am trying to buy up all the corn dogs in the area, I don’t give a shit. Ask anything, tell me your problems, ask about me, I don’t care. Just ask. I will tell you what’s good, and what damn sure ain’t good.
With that said, happy new year and ummm…fuck.
Ever since the first human began to wonder “where does all this s–t come from?”, people have been turning to religion for answers to questions to which they cannot find a real answer. Thankfully, much has been discovered in the ways of science and the world has lost some of its mystery. However, not everyone is on the side of reason, and people continue to place their faith in God/gods/L. Ron Hubbard/an airborne Italian entree, so I’m here to set the record straight.
*Note: I will only be discussing Judeochristian fallacy (phallicy, more like) as I have limited experience with other cultures thanks to the fact that I live in a quarantine-type Jewish community.
Part 1: The Old Testament
Written by nomadic, pastural sheepf–kers in the desert over 2000 years ago, the Hebrew bible (Torah) remarkably maintains a steady audience even in America, a decidedly developed nation. Aside from teaching morals or whatever those hebes are telling parents nowadays, it is essentially a collection of stories about an omnipresent but intangible, invisible, and undetectable man (yes, man; he is referred to as a king several times) who tells people to do unreasonable things to prove they love him and upon refusal, smites the bastards. This kind of behavior is more suited to a psychotic girlfriend than a benevolent deity. For example, God tells Abraham to kill his son, Isaac. Why? To test his faith. Incredibly, Abraham, the O.G. of sheepf–kers, obliges. He takes the kid to the top of a mountain, and as he is about to slaughter him like a sacrificial lamb, God yells from the heavens, “WTF are you doing, man?! You thought I was serious?!! Yo, angels, look at this a–hole, he was gonna do it!” or some divine equivalent. Abraham then goes home and continues to worship the figure that speaks to him but that nobody else can hear and not even he can see. If you ask me, that sounds more like schizophrenia than a holy presence.
Stay tuned for more of my sinful thoughts as well as interpreted (i.e. ruined & trashed) bible stories next week. Shabbat Shalom, sheepf–kers!
Today’s first entry into Funny S–t Friday is an oldie and goodie. Now even though these are (usually) Youtube links, the ausio is usally (definitely) NSFW. So, with that being said, put on some d–n headphones.
This video is about the funniest thing on the web. Unforgivable has provided me with endless hours of entertainment and person memes. If you don’t see the humor the first time watching it, take the stick out of your ass and watch it a couple more times. It will get you, eventually.
This next one deals with Pokemon, and its one of those videos where words come out that you would never hear a human being speak. Enjoy.
by Colin Miller
It’s no secret that women are dumb (Except for you, baby!…s–t, there goes another one), but here in Highland Park, Illinois, every day is like a journey into the mind of an autistic giraffe. For example, a particularly DWB sits behind me in my AP Psych class. The teacher was explaining how drugs cause your body to unnaturally release chemicals to make us feel a certain way, giving the example of how heroin floods your body with endorphins, which you then crave making the drug addictive. The DWB raised her hand, and in a voice like a jewish dolphin with a shoddy nose job asked:
“So, like, you feel good when you’re high, and then its, like, bad when you crash?”
Yes. It is, in fact, bad to not feel good. Dumb White B—h.
This same DWB had previously asked during an animation of fetal development, “Why does the baby only have one eye?” The video was the side view of the fetus. Dumb White B—h.
I can thank another teacher for giving me such sparkling gems of fecal wisdom as, “It’s not rocket scientry, guys,” and “The line where you write the money for the check is its legal tenure.” It’s like the former president himself is teaching the class. Dumb White B—h.
Stay tuned for more DWB updates next week, and be glad you don’t live here.
Guest blog written by Colin “Jewish Eminem” Miller
I was talking to some girl in one of my classes the other day, and she mentioned Twilight. I immediately responded appropriately with, “Twilight should not be sold as a book, it should be sold as a dildo. Same purpose, fewer trees used.” At the time, I thought this was the cleverest shit I had thought of all day. It was only when I got to thinking about it that I discovered the real truth of the statement. Here is my reasoning (be warned, the comparisons are frighteningly accurate).
1. Both Twilight and dildos (dildoes?) are used to sexually stimulate women and gay men.
Now hear me out, this may be the most obvious point I have to offer, but it comes down to sheer physical logistics. The average woman or sodomite (probably) cannot fit an entire book into his or her body through the orifice of choice in one piece. Additionally, I would imagine it is quite a feat to finger one’s self while turning pages and attempting to process written language. I know that when I’m playing a solo on the ol’ skin flute, I don’t much feel like reading, although if anyone can read Twilight without vomiting, they are clearly a stronger person than I.
2. Neither Twilight nor your average dildo (with the exception of the rare and widely illegal “Charles 16-inch DICK-ens” model) has any literary value.
You caught me. I have never read Twilight. I do not plan to simply for the sake of validating my opinion, so you can chastise me for uncited evidence. However, I’m going to venture a guess that the average Twilight fan is either unfamiliar with proper analytic or expository writing standards OR too busy greasing themselves up and watching New Moon with a Jacob poster and a pint of Rocky Road ice cream to argue. Disregarding my lack of firsthand knowledge, I understand that it is a novel of poor quality, by all means. It is the story of a pale, sparkly pedophile who becomes obsessed with a marginally attractive teenager (about a 6, maybe a 7 on a good day) and asshattery ensues. I think there’s something in there about a vaguely ethnic werewolf wanting to have sex with a baby produced by the vamp and the dumb bitch, but I really hope I’m mistaken. I don’t think I am.
3. Both Twilight and dildos are used by those unable to actually get laid.
From what I have observed in malls, airports, etc., Twilight fans are mainly pre-teen girls who have recently discovered their clitori (plural of clitoris?) and their obese, chain smoking mothers. This section is rather self-explanatory, although I would like to add that Twilight has done an impeccable job of concocting two characters that are guaranteed to wet any dumb white girl’s whistle by generating the image of the two perfect men. It’s basically porn without pictures. The worst part is that some girls actually believe there are men like Edward Cullen, and are disappointed and angry to find out otherwise. I hate to be the one to break this to all you bitches, but any man with any semblance to Stephanie Myers’ characters is either a raging homosexual or taken by someone much hotter than you or Kristen Stewart, for that matter.
Hope you enjoyed that breakdown of why Twilight should be recycled into toilet paper immediately and redesigned as a firm but yielding false penis.
Now, I’m a pretty tolerant person, as I know I am prone to say and do some wildly inappropriate shit on a regular basis, but, sometimes, a line in the sand has to be drawn.
Now I know you got millions of dollars, get money, cheated on your ex-wife faked fouls, can’t shoot a free throw, but all that, I can forgive, and some of that is pretty damn funny. Seriously though, a damn dress? Some things are inappropriate regardless of what day of the year it is. Your big ass in a dress is one of them. Tyler Perry in a dress is another (yeah, fuck you and his stupid ass movies and shows).
Plus you were singing? No wonder LeBron didn’t want to play with your ass anymore. You probably tried to get down on some funny business in the locker room.
So its my day off, and I wake up like I get dressed go outside and see my neighbor SO I’m like I go the park and when I get there I see this girl looking like I thought it was a dream so I had to she wasnt though so I give her the ol so she was like and like but she had a man and he was all so I’m all like and he says he’s gonna do so I say So he tries to come at me on some but I reversed it like and then gave him that
and the girl got all excited so her clothes were all
But a bunch of his boys tried to run up but I handled that like
and I hit them with a
so all them dudes were like
so I took her back to the crib for some
but that girl was moving too fast so it was like
Nah it was more like
So my day ended with me feeling like
Now I’m not one for sweeping generalizations, but dammit someone will have to explain this ish to me:
White boys must hate their balls. Who in their right mind would WILLINGLY let another person hit them in the crotch? Now I understand (but I don’t) the sadness they must feel when their penis isn’t the King Kong of the land, especially when that last chick laughed when he dropped his pants and went back to that black guy who keeps cheating on her, but I’m saying: It’s not your penis’ fault, so why punish it so much?
It’s like they have never heard of cups. Maybe they are trying to ensure they are sterile so when that inevitable call from the Maury show comes from that one country chick you went to high school with and smashed with like 5 of your friends behind a barn that one time, you can rest assured that the kid isn’t yours. After all, you destroyed any hope of having kids by letting those same friends repeatedly strike your nuts with 8-balls.
You know, it makes me look at dudes who stand around holding the crotch all the time in a different light. Maybe that’s what these hood dudes are really afraid of the man doing: Locking them up in a cell while the guards throw random objects at their balls.
Maybe that’s the reason why when I am around more monochromatic company I want to hold my balls. It may be an instinct, a genetic remembering of past wrongs committed against the nuts of my ancestors, and seeing how they treat their own nuts. I mean, if you don’t respect your own balls to not let people hit you in them, how am I supposed to know you will respect mines?
So, white boys…stop hurting your balls…its not your fault that your balls are inadequate…just blame your mom for not going raw with that black dude she met at the grocery store when she was in college to “see what it felt like…” that might explain those dirty looks your mom gives your dad after all…
This will be the first part of a multi-part series of “Shit That Makes Me Laugh”. If you are easily offended, well first I have to ask, “What the fuck are you doing here? Have you met me? Weren’t you warned before coming here that this site is nothing but an exercise in unbridled hedonism and ignorance?” But this shit here, this makes me laugh.
This shit makes me laugh from somewhere deep inside my soul. Like, you don’t understand. Maybe its the audacity, maybe it’s thinking about the woman on the other end and her reaction, especially if she is white, because she REALLY wouldn’t know how to react to that. Whatever it is, this pic gives my stomachaches of laughter.
Gotta love country folks. Always good for a laugh, until they start voting. That’s how you end up with George W. Bush.