Otherwise known as “More Cookie Cutter Rap by CRYM”. This verse is a satire of the various phrases used in rap that don’t actually mean anything and just serve as stock for simple similes. Enjoy, or don’t, it’s not like it took me any effort.
Arbitrary phrases rappers use to portray this
Lifestyle and make you get hype off the playlist
I’m on my grind like the bottom of a skateboard
Or some player in the club dancing with a fake whore
I get it in like Kobiyashi or a porn star
And you know I’m on point like thorns are
Sharper than a pencil about to take the ACT
So that means I’m the number two and all this paper waits for me
Shining like a thousand suns and it feels splendid
Chatting up Barbie not about to ask where Ken is
Skills tremendous, hip-hop looks horrendous
I’m taking crowns off like the dentist
I ate nine of your top ten like the number seven
The last real man alive but I am not legend
I’m the truth, keep it one hundred like a fucking century
This is number 21 so down a shot of Hennessey
I go harder than diamonds and at least twice as valuable
Trying to get jacked son like L, Samuel
World renouned like another person place or thing
I hear the bees buzzing but I can’t feel the sting
Following you backwards, didnt know that I could sing
You are just a court jester, come and entertain the king
So sick they quarantine me like a leper colony
So I made them the subject of this tragic comedy
It’s ironic, those who rap about the mafia are wack
I declare war on stars and strike the empire back
Not a freshman in this game, I reek of subsophomority
Iller than a whole hospital wing, call and orderly
You claim to be the shit, Ill stuff your body in a bedpan
And my IQ is higher than Method Man and Redman
Your flow is sweet and dry like a stale pack of raisins
Where would rap be without arbitrary phrases
Guest blog written by Colin “Jewish Eminem” Miller
I was talking to some girl in one of my classes the other day, and she mentioned Twilight. I immediately responded appropriately with, “Twilight should not be sold as a book, it should be sold as a dildo. Same purpose, fewer trees used.” At the time, I thought this was the cleverest shit I had thought of all day. It was only when I got to thinking about it that I discovered the real truth of the statement. Here is my reasoning (be warned, the comparisons are frighteningly accurate).
1. Both Twilight and dildos (dildoes?) are used to sexually stimulate women and gay men.
Now hear me out, this may be the most obvious point I have to offer, but it comes down to sheer physical logistics. The average woman or sodomite (probably) cannot fit an entire book into his or her body through the orifice of choice in one piece. Additionally, I would imagine it is quite a feat to finger one’s self while turning pages and attempting to process written language. I know that when I’m playing a solo on the ol’ skin flute, I don’t much feel like reading, although if anyone can read Twilight without vomiting, they are clearly a stronger person than I.
2. Neither Twilight nor your average dildo (with the exception of the rare and widely illegal “Charles 16-inch DICK-ens” model) has any literary value.
You caught me. I have never read Twilight. I do not plan to simply for the sake of validating my opinion, so you can chastise me for uncited evidence. However, I’m going to venture a guess that the average Twilight fan is either unfamiliar with proper analytic or expository writing standards OR too busy greasing themselves up and watching New Moon with a Jacob poster and a pint of Rocky Road ice cream to argue. Disregarding my lack of firsthand knowledge, I understand that it is a novel of poor quality, by all means. It is the story of a pale, sparkly pedophile who becomes obsessed with a marginally attractive teenager (about a 6, maybe a 7 on a good day) and asshattery ensues. I think there’s something in there about a vaguely ethnic werewolf wanting to have sex with a baby produced by the vamp and the dumb bitch, but I really hope I’m mistaken. I don’t think I am.
3. Both Twilight and dildos are used by those unable to actually get laid.
From what I have observed in malls, airports, etc., Twilight fans are mainly pre-teen girls who have recently discovered their clitori (plural of clitoris?) and their obese, chain smoking mothers. This section is rather self-explanatory, although I would like to add that Twilight has done an impeccable job of concocting two characters that are guaranteed to wet any dumb white girl’s whistle by generating the image of the two perfect men. It’s basically porn without pictures. The worst part is that some girls actually believe there are men like Edward Cullen, and are disappointed and angry to find out otherwise. I hate to be the one to break this to all you bitches, but any man with any semblance to Stephanie Myers’ characters is either a raging homosexual or taken by someone much hotter than you or Kristen Stewart, for that matter.
Hope you enjoyed that breakdown of why Twilight should be recycled into toilet paper immediately and redesigned as a firm but yielding false penis.