Greg on Gadgets, Girls, Games, and Ghetto Ish

Guest Blog

Arbitrary Phrases

Otherwise known as “More Cookie Cutter Rap by CRYM”. This verse is a satire of the various phrases used in rap that don’t actually mean anything and just serve as stock for simple similes. Enjoy, or don’t, it’s not like it took me any effort.

Arbitrary phrases rappers use to portray this

Lifestyle and make you get hype off the playlist

I’m on my grind like the bottom of a skateboard

Or some player in the club dancing with a fake whore

I get it in like Kobiyashi or a porn star

And you know I’m on point like thorns are

Sharper than a pencil about to take the ACT

So that means I’m the number two and all this paper waits for me

Shining like a thousand suns and it feels splendid

Chatting up Barbie not about to ask where Ken is

Skills tremendous, hip-hop looks horrendous

I’m taking crowns off like the dentist

I ate nine of your top ten like the number seven

The last real man alive but I am not legend

I’m the truth, keep it one hundred like a fucking century

This is number 21 so down a shot of Hennessey

I go harder than diamonds and at least twice as valuable

Trying to get jacked son like L, Samuel

World renouned like another person place or thing

I hear the bees buzzing but I can’t feel the sting

Following you backwards, didnt know that I could sing

You are just a court jester, come and entertain the king

So sick they quarantine me like a leper colony

So I made them the subject of this tragic comedy

It’s ironic, those who rap about the mafia are wack

I declare war on stars and strike the empire back

Not a freshman in this game, I reek of subsophomority

Iller than a whole hospital wing, call and orderly

You claim to be the shit, Ill stuff your body in a bedpan

And my IQ is higher than Method Man and Redman

Your flow is sweet and dry like a stale pack of raisins

Where would rap be without arbitrary phrases

Twilight- The Disposable Sex Toy of Literature

Guest blog written by Colin “Jewish Eminem” Miller

I was talking to some girl in one of my classes the other day, and she mentioned Twilight. I immediately responded appropriately with, “Twilight should not be sold as a book, it should be sold as a dildo. Same purpose, fewer trees used.” At the time, I thought this was the cleverest shit I had thought of all day. It was only when I got to thinking about it that I discovered the real truth of the statement. Here is my reasoning (be warned, the comparisons are frighteningly accurate).

Can be inserted orally or vaginally.

1. Both Twilight and dildos (dildoes?) are used to sexually stimulate women and gay men.

Now hear me out, this may be the most obvious point I have to offer, but it comes down to sheer physical logistics. The average woman or sodomite (probably) cannot fit an entire book into his or her body through the orifice of choice in one piece. Additionally, I would imagine it is quite a feat to finger one’s self while turning pages and attempting to process written language. I know that when I’m playing a solo on the ol’ skin flute, I don’t much feel like reading, although if anyone can read Twilight without vomiting, they are clearly a stronger person than I.

and he ain't fuckin none of his fans...

2. Neither Twilight nor your average dildo (with the exception of the rare and widely illegal “Charles 16-inch DICK-ens” model) has any literary value.

You caught me. I have never read Twilight. I do not plan to simply for the sake of validating my opinion, so you can chastise me for uncited evidence. However, I’m going to venture a guess that the average Twilight fan is either unfamiliar with proper analytic or expository writing standards OR too busy greasing themselves up and watching New Moon with a Jacob poster and a pint of Rocky Road ice cream to argue. Disregarding my lack of firsthand knowledge, I understand that it is a novel of poor quality, by all means. It is the story of a pale, sparkly pedophile who becomes obsessed with a marginally attractive teenager (about a 6, maybe a 7 on a good day) and asshattery ensues. I think there’s something in there about a vaguely ethnic werewolf wanting to have sex with a baby produced by the vamp and the dumb bitch, but I really hope I’m mistaken. I don’t think I am.

Seriously...who gives a fuck?

3. Both Twilight and dildos are used by those unable to actually get laid.

From what I have observed in malls, airports, etc., Twilight fans are mainly pre-teen girls who have recently discovered their clitori (plural of clitoris?) and their obese, chain smoking mothers. This section is rather self-explanatory, although I would like to add that Twilight has done an impeccable job of concocting two characters that are guaranteed to wet any dumb white girl’s whistle by generating the image of the two perfect men. It’s basically porn without pictures. The worst part is that some girls actually believe there are men like Edward Cullen, and are disappointed and angry to find out otherwise. I hate to be the one to break this to all you bitches, but any man with any semblance to Stephanie Myers’ characters is either a raging homosexual or taken by someone much hotter than you or Kristen Stewart, for that matter.

MILK's: Moms I'd Like to Kick

Hope you enjoyed that breakdown of why Twilight should be recycled into toilet paper immediately and redesigned as a firm but yielding false penis.