As most of the Twittersphere is aware of, Kim K. got
ran through bustdown engaged yesterday to some random dude who plays on the New Jersey Nets proposed with a 20.5 carat 2 million dollar ring. Of course, this got people who spend too much time worried about people who they don’t even know all up in arms and at least 20 to 30 millions panties got collectively in a bunch. All types of shade and slander were thrown, wonder why a woman like her, whose coochie is pretty much given to any athlete as soon as they sign a contract like a the air freshener on a rear-view mirror when you buy a car, is deserving of a ring that damn big or even marriage. Like one tweet I saw, “2 million is a lot to pay for a cow when all of pro sports got the milk for free”. But where does all this hate stem from? And why the hell does it even matter?
This post will be written in 2 parts. The nice, compassionate, understanding side, and the well…ummm, dumb side.
Nice guy first.
I get it. I see the shade. You worked your ass off in college with that 4.0, went out in the world, got a good job, gave that corporate world glass ceiling a smooth ass uppercut and you are making it. You work hard, and play harder. Yet you are single. Not only are you single, but you always seem to get caught up with the douchebags, the no ambition ass guys. Kim K. however is famous and gets money for doing shit but being on her back for famous men and gets the world on a silver platter. I get it.
Kim K. reminds you of those women you have encountered in your life that have rode by on their looks and contribute nothing to the world, the one that you get looked over for either at work or in your personal life, and then after the fellas have had their fill, want to come running to you for some substance. I get that. It sucks. You worked hard fine-tuning your mind into a razor-sharp trap with books, studying, frequent trips to the museums, yet seemingly good men fall at the feet of a woman who can’t even take the time to learn how to give a good blowjob.
Where’s your ring? You worked hard. You deserve it. That’s how you feel. Why should a woman whose most known for giving away the cooch to anyone have the world? Why should she rise to a higher level in life than you? How come if you were to do those same things, you would get nothing but negative attention? She’s superficial, she’s vain, and just not worthy. It’s all backwards, that’s what this world is. It’s misogynist, and fucked up. I get it. I feel you.
ASSHOLE SECTION AHEAD!
Harsh truth time. No one wants your bitter, uppity ass. Know why you are single? No man wants an angry woman. NONE. We get it, you worked hard. Guess what? So did I, and so did a lot of people out there who aren’t living that life. We aren’t bitter, and we aren’t worried about what the next person is doing. We are worried about being happy with what we got and focused on our OWN lives.
Guess what? You’re just as superficial as she is. If you think happiness comes in the form of a pro sports player and a 2 million dollar engagement ring, you are just as fucked mentally as she is. You’re degrees don’t mean shit with that kind of mentality, and that’s real.
This world doesn’t owe you shit. Get over it. You have bad relationships, probably because you chase men based upon what they have instead of who they are, and probably work off of appearances. Let me guess, he has to be 6’2″+, a certain skin color, a certain car, no kids, etc. You are looking for a dude that really doesn’t exist. You got this list and I bet ain’t one thing in there of substance. Get off that Disney ass Prince Charming fairytale. You let Santa go as a kid, let that shit go too.
Here’s another thing: I bet you like Khloe though. But here’s the dirty little secret, she’s JUST as bad as Kim. The main reason why you like her though is because she’s tall, awkward-looking, and not conventionally attractive. She is the physical embodiment of that awkward little girl inside of you from your high school days. She’s the ugly duckling that made it, that got her a baller. She’s that inner you, and that’s why you like her, why you sometimes live vicariously through her. She lets you know that you can have a face like Smegael and a body like Spongebob and still pull a rich guy.
Stop being so damn bitter and superficial. If you quantify love at any point in a relationship, you are already losing. Step your personality game up to the level of your work ethic and stop being worried about some other woman and her lifestyle.
For real. I need to know. Every generation has had some sort of American icon in movies, some hero, some dude that would kick ass, take names, shit on your cat, smash your girl, beat that one level you were stuck on, and make sure he did it all in a timely and efficient manner. From John Wayne to Bruce Willis, we have always had someone. Hell in the past 30 years, we have always had at least:
2 Americans (Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone)
2 Europeans (Jean-Claude & Arnold Schwarzenegger—>Jason Statham & Gerard Butler)
1 Asian (Bruce Lee–>Jackie Chan–>Jet Li–>Tony Jaa)
and at least 1 Black dude (Sydney Portier, Danny Glover, Wesley Snipes, Denzel Washington)
But right now we have no Americans for real. Mark Wahlberg? Last action movie I enjoyed him in was The Big Hit (does The Other Guys count?), and that was a LONG time ago. Vin Diesel? Name 2 movies that were decent outside Fast and the Furious series…exactly. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? He’s more hilarious than anything. Watching wrestling has completely distorted me from taking him seriously ever. Tyrese? If you have followed him on Twitter for long than say, 5 minutes, you know why he’s out. America is in a recession people, and it shows in our action movies. We are relying far too much on overseas talent to drive our movies. Gerard Butler and Jason Statham are in EVERYTHING. On top of that, anything involving out action heroes are never any new ideas, its always either:
a)based of a comic book
b)a sequel of a sequel of a prequel
Where is the originality? The creativity?
I guess people are too busy on Facebook and being entertained by these:
Alright, so if you have read this site for any measure of time, I love internet memes and random ass GIF files that make me laugh. My favorite one right now though is this guy, Joseph Ducreux.
First off, this picture is hilarious as fuck without captions. Its at least 5000 niggas posing like this in pictures at the club every night, so to show that dudes was doing it in portraits 300 years ago makes it 100 times funnier. Now let’s introduce some memes based on this picture. Thanks to Meme Generator I can put my own captions. Let’s start with mines, shall we?
I think I’m pretty goddamn hilarious.
But lets play a game. I’m going to throw up a shitload of these and I want you to see how many of these you can guess what song or the original phrase this is from.
Yeah, I’m hitting 20,000 hits today, so I guess that means someone out there likes my blog. That means I definitely need to write more. I have always wanted this blog to be light-hearted, yet serious, and foremost informative. I want people to think for themselves, to come to their own conclusions, and I wanted to have fun doing it. I’ve been busy with work, reflection, catching up on a LOT of book reading I’ve been neglecting for months, and of course, more work.
But I definitely need to keep writing. I have a lot of thoughts I want to share with the people, and some of you seem to care, so, in the words of the immortal George Carlin, “why the fuck not?”
Sorry folks, been gone for a couple weeks. Work, school, more work, crazy ass family, clinicals, all that. So anyways, are any of you watching Archer?
That show is THE SHIT. The first season is on Netflix, and the second season is even funnier. So I would go watch it right now.
New content coming back soon!
Stay tuned folks.
Now before you all roll your eyes at the sight of yet another unimportant member of the general public expressing rage toward an 8th grade girl who became famous singing about a certain day of the week I have come to dread, allow me to assure you, I’m better than the others. That being said, I’d like to take this time to break down the toxic, corrosive presence embodied in talentless teen Rebecca Black.
Referring to the title, I truly believe we may be facing the end of American popular culture as a whole. Now it’s not Black’s fault completely. Justin Bieber, Twilight, Soulja Boy and the last decade of Disney productions (namely Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers and other subhumans manufactured by the profit-and-youth-consuming legacy of Walt’s frozen head) did most of the leg work. Consider Rebecca Black the straw that broke the camel’s back. But instead of a camel, it’s my shreds of hope for humanity and instead of a straw, it’s a Rebecca Black sandwich with sparkly, auto-tuned camel shit for bread. You see, America’s standard of quality that media needs meet in order to achieve popularity has plummeted, making so people like Bieber and Black can have millions of plays on YouTube in a week and Michael Bay’s Transformers are taken seriously as works of cinema.
In other words, it seems as though to be enormously popular, a piece of media must be:
1) Completely devoid of balls. Disney creations and Rebecca Black are no-brainers for this criterion, while films like Hop and Diary of a Wimpy Kid and shows like iCarly and whatever’s on Cartoon Network nowadays (I can’t risk actually checking or i may slip into a blind, tv-destroying fury followed by a deep depression) might have slid under your sacklessness radar riding on the “kontent 4 kidz!!!” excuse. But even this children’s programming has fewer bpm (balls per minute) than their counterparts of yesteryear. Consider Hey Arnold. That show was real as all fuck- bunch of misfit kids in Brooklyn, some minority tensions, muggers, real shit. Now look what Nickelodeon’s become:
2) Superbly annoying. There’s just something about Rebecca Black and her culture-killing comrades that makes level-headed persons universally and unanimously want to slap both their individual shits and collective shit. It’s that voice that sounds like a frustrated cow trying desperately to untie her udders after a group of local boys decided to practice sailing knots on nearby cattle. It’s her utter (not intentional) inability to write lyrics beyond the scope of her archetypical pre-weekend experiences, the sequence in which days go, and the relatable societal concern of seat-based indecision. Meanwhile lyricists starve and get single digit playcounts on Soundcloud (speaking of which, http://soundcloud.com/crym/sets/off-the-spectrum). I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell do not need lessons on the order of days from some chick who probably got her first period the week before recording that song.
That’s about all I can handle for now without developing a rage-induced ulcer, but I’ll be back with more rants and laments toward the current state of popular culture. Maybe I’ll make it a regular thing, who knows. Stay classy, fam (I’m allowed to say “fam”, right?).
P.S. I’d like to add that the ARK Music Factory is indeed a factory in every sense of the word, except that only white people work in it. Still, the label contains ghoulish incarnations of Upton Sinclair’s nightmares all the same.
So, I was going write out this whole long ass blog post about Facebook etiquette and dudes being thirsty on women’s walls and pictures, and even tagging them in gay ass bathroom model pics, but that shit can wait. I discovered what could possibly be the funniest song of all time, “Colonic” by Tony Roberts, and then this Nah Son! fuckery @starchildluke and @softjunebreeze sent me.
Shits are hilarious though.
Also, since I have tomorrow off, you may or may not get a blog post from me. I wouldn’t bet on it though. I’m lazy.
Any of my readers out there know of any other silly ass fuckery that I might enjoy?
Otherwise known as “More Cookie Cutter Rap by CRYM”. This verse is a satire of the various phrases used in rap that don’t actually mean anything and just serve as stock for simple similes. Enjoy, or don’t, it’s not like it took me any effort.
Arbitrary phrases rappers use to portray this
Lifestyle and make you get hype off the playlist
I’m on my grind like the bottom of a skateboard
Or some player in the club dancing with a fake whore
I get it in like Kobiyashi or a porn star
And you know I’m on point like thorns are
Sharper than a pencil about to take the ACT
So that means I’m the number two and all this paper waits for me
Shining like a thousand suns and it feels splendid
Chatting up Barbie not about to ask where Ken is
Skills tremendous, hip-hop looks horrendous
I’m taking crowns off like the dentist
I ate nine of your top ten like the number seven
The last real man alive but I am not legend
I’m the truth, keep it one hundred like a fucking century
This is number 21 so down a shot of Hennessey
I go harder than diamonds and at least twice as valuable
Trying to get jacked son like L, Samuel
World renouned like another person place or thing
I hear the bees buzzing but I can’t feel the sting
Following you backwards, didnt know that I could sing
You are just a court jester, come and entertain the king
So sick they quarantine me like a leper colony
So I made them the subject of this tragic comedy
It’s ironic, those who rap about the mafia are wack
I declare war on stars and strike the empire back
Not a freshman in this game, I reek of subsophomority
Iller than a whole hospital wing, call and orderly
You claim to be the shit, Ill stuff your body in a bedpan
And my IQ is higher than Method Man and Redman
Your flow is sweet and dry like a stale pack of raisins
Where would rap be without arbitrary phrases
Are you ready? This shit could happen. Why? Because I just had a dream about it. Not the kind of Rambo-esque type dream where I was mowing down zombies left and right though. I actually only shot 2 zombies. Technically I shot someone while they were still human, but they were really close to turning and like 2 minutes later they jumped up as a zombie and I shot them again. Then I also threatened this guy to paint the walls with his brains if he ever threatened me again, because he was all mad I shot that chick early and the resulting noise attracted more zombies. Okay so I shot more than 2, like 8.
Still though, most of the dream was about dealing with the breakdown of society and how people reformed into tribal groups and their survival mentality led to some strange happenings. Like the strip club/chicken place called Breasts & Wings (greatest idea BTW, and if you steal it I will kill you), where this dude saved the strippers and opened raises chickens in the back of the place. Then the gun store was run by some Indian dude who didn’t like violence. Then there were the gang of Haitians who thought I was Puerto Rican…and then subsequently tried to kill me. It was all weird, but it let me know quite a few things:
1. Talking about zombies enough will lead to having a dream about one, count on it.
2. Find some guns as soon as things start off with the zombie apocalypse. Makes things easier later on down the road.
Have lots of ammo and spare magazines for said guns and actually know how to use them. You don’t want to try to figure out how a gun works when a zombie is 5 feet away from biting your face off. Also reminded: aim for the head. That should probably be its separate point but always aim for the head, regardless of whether you are using a gun, a sledgehammer, meat cleaver, dildo, doesn’t matter. Well actually I would be a tad bit concerned if you were trying to fight off zombies with a dildo, but hey, different strokes for different folks.
3. Don’t be the last one to hit up a grocery store.
I would actually advise looting a grocery store first. After all, you can’t eat bullets for dinner. All the non-perishables WILL be gone in the first 48 hours, count on it. So I would advise you to a) if shit hasn’t gotten real yet but you know its about to, calmly buy up all the canned food and dog food you can or b)if shit just got real as fuck, back up a damn SUV right through the front door and raid that hell out of the store.
4. Water. Make sure you have it, or live close enough to a large body of fresh water. Dehydration is not the way you want to go out.
I don’t think I could possibly stress this enough. Remember the rule of 4. You can only go 4 minutes without air, 4 days without water, and 4 weeks without food before you die. Have water, When you hit the grocery store a metric fuckton of bottled water should be on that list, along with filling every container that can be reasonably sealed in your house with water. I don’t possibly think I could stress exactly how essential water is to…everything. Have it.
5. Ladies: If you are good-looking, you are going to want to attach yourself to a man who has plenty of survival skills and can assure you live for a long time, that’s all you need to do, because believe me, that negro with the new jordans won’t make it a week. Ugly chicks, I suggest you learn some survival skills or be amazing at pleasing a man or something, because you might be ass out.
Call me an asshole, call me a cynic, but during an apocalypse, you are out for your own self-interest, which means you are basically using people. It’s only a problem when you are trying to use someone when you provide no tangible benefit to the other person. Hot chick, she allows a man to have sex and possibly procreate with a hot chick. It’s as basic as genetics. Fat chick, ugly chicks; you better have some survival skills or something, because for a man trying to survive, you really don’t serve a purpose to him. You better know how to rebuild transmissions or make solar panels out of aluminum foil, duct tape, floss, and an old 50 Cent cd, because that’s the only way they are going to want to keep you around. Conversely, hot chicks, you might want to keep that prude shit pre-apocalypse, because your dream guy is now stumbling around as a walking corpse with half his face eaten off. I keep you alive, you need to be more than willing to drop it like it’s hot.
6. Fat people, lose weight. Being able to run isn’t an option. Zombies don’t get tired.
A good 30-something percent of Americans are fat and out of shape. That’s real. Of course you are thinking “Well, that means 1/3rd of the zombies will be too fat to catch me anyways!” Yeah, that would be true, except for a couple things. One, chances are their fat WILL burn off from the fact that they never sleep and are always moving around. Secondly, because they don’t get tired. Your fat ass will get winded after a block, but that fat zombie can keep running until their body literally falls apart mid-stride. So yeah, get in shape, learn how to climb shit, get your upper-body strength up, and watch a couple parkour videos. It could save your life.
7. Know how to siphon gas. Good skill especially if you have to use transportation to get away from an area that is now uninhabitable.
Seriously, you will need to know this in order to take what little bit of refined gas will be left. Know how to pull gas out of abandoned cars, underground gas station pumps, all sources. Know how to run a pump too, as that could make the process a lot easier, especially when dealing with gas stations. The last thing you want to do is be trapped in an area that was once pretty peaceful but now contains a clusterfuck of zombies.
8. Never join a group of people based on race or ethnic background alone.
You would think this would be common sense, but a lot of you people out there in the world as dumb as shit. You join groups based on skillset and benefit or if they are CLOSE friends. Why would you want to be in a group where likely the only thing keeping you from turning on each other is, “oh all are the same skin color,” or “but we all speak the same dialect of <insert language>”. Guess what, that won’t keep a person from getting on some unplanned bullshit. Now if the reasons are “man that guy can hunt his ass off,” or “He taught me how to use <insert weapon> effectively,” its a much better chance of cohesion and way more likely to defuse potentially volatile conflicts.
9. Keep your friends close, and your enemies far far FAR away from you, or kill them outright.
Yep. Think about it. your emotions during a time of unimaginable stress and conflict all become magnified, so people who just mildly disliked you now hate you, and those who couldn’t stand you are likely to want to walk around with you head on a mop handle and prop that shit up in the front lawn. Avoid them whenever possible, because the most likely conflict will come is when they see you do ANYTHING that isn’t dying. If you are doing ANYTHING that is in some way positive, they will develop a jealousy that you have never seen. Now, if avoiding them isn’t an option and you KNOW that this person will be a problem for you, whether they are living or undead, and ONLY if society has already completely broken down, take their ass out. No one is going to arrest you, and better to get the jump on them then they get it on you. Sounds fucked up, I know, but I rather not be the one on the business end of a gun over the fact that they hate me because I yell at their ass for fucking up my order all the time at McDonalds.
10. Fishing. Cooking. Hunting. Know them well.
If you don’t know how to fish or hunt then chances are you will be jolly well fucked. If you are a hot chick, well you will still be fucked, but not exactly in the way anyone not in your category would be. These are the skills that will keep you alive long after the zombies are gone. Society will take a LONG fucking time to rebuild itself. A good 10 years at LEAST. Plus add in all the bureaucratic nonsense with people wanting to exert power and establishing laws again and religion and all sorts of other immature hangups people have that will impede the progress of humanity. Word to the wise: If you have a nice group or community you have that works. Stick with it. Don’t be in a rush to return to society at large, because it will, basing off the past of human society, it will be a clusterfuck. Bet on it.
Well, these are rules to survival. I’m sure I have a few more, but I wanted to give them to all of you while they were fresh in my mind. Remember these things, because they may save your life. Oh, and don’t come looking for me, I may or may not have gone insane and may or may not shoot you on sight.
Unless you are a hottie.
Ever seen people dance badly to Ginuwine’s sing “Pony”? Ever seen a supermix of it? Well, if not, ummm…here you go.
Also random pictures that make me laugh.
This post goes out to all the white people who live in damn near all-white areas and encounter a black person 2, 3 times a year tops. This one’s for you.
As I sat in Starbucks on my laptop smashing some oatmeal cookies Sunday night, a man comes in. White, middle aged, disheveled looking, but nothing out of the ordinary in Highland Park, where I live. I was at Starbucks because my internet was down for some crazy ass reason and I needed to finish some work and do some stuff for the blog. Well, backtrack. First it was only me and this white girl in there out of the whole coffee shop. There is a long couch that’s a good 14 feet long. She sat at one end, and I sat down at the other. In 30 seconds she got up and moved ALL the way over to the other side of the coffee shop. I guess a black man in medical scrubs is intimidating to her.
Anyways, so I have the whole couch to myself when this guy comes in. He proceeds to sit as close as he humanly could to me it seems, and keeps glancing at me. I’m zoning out typing so I’m not really paying him any mind. Then after about 2 minutes he breaks my concentration with a question:
“Hey, do you like reggae?”
I gave this dude the side-eye from hell. In my mind I was thinking to myself, “where in the hell is this line of questioning going?” So I responded,
“Nope. I hate it.”
Then he comes back with
“Well what about rap and R&B?”
Now I’m pretty much glaring down this dude trying to decide whether I should chop his ass in the throat or dump his coffee on his head…and then chop his ass in the throat. But I just respond
“Nope. I listen to blues, music from the 20s, 30s, and 40’s.”
I said this in hopes he would stop asking me questions, or basically shut the hell up talking to me. But he had to finish it off with this:
“Oh I just thought you listened to reggae because you look like a soulful person.”
What the fuck does that even mean? How does someone hammering away angrily on a laptop look soulful? That’s about the dumbest shit I ever heard, this month.
Listen white people, if you don’t encounter black people often, here’s a tip. Talk to us the same exact way you would a white person. Don’t come at us saying “What’s up bro” or “dog” or any unnecessary slang to make yourself look cool. It’s hella offensive and we immediately label you are either retarded or racist, sometimes both. So if you are about to say something to a black person you don’t know, ask yourself these things:
Am I asking because they are black?
Is this in any way associated with any stereotypes?
If the answer is no to both, then go ahead. But don’t be that guy or that silly ass racist chick either.
I should have stolen her purse.
This is going to be a list of shit that people need to get kicked off the fucking internet for. Like no bullshit kicked off the internet, or at least any type of social media.
Taking pictures of your baby laying in your tax refund money
Oh so you balling now huh? Then why were you only drinking water at the bar last month and your car still sitting on a flat at your cousin’s house since last summer? This shit is the height of ignorance, and don’t worry, I’m gonna save that picture, so next time you talk about how you are too broke to do something, I’ll make sure to pull up the picture and ask about your baller status and why your baby doesn’t have any new clothes since that picture.
Not knowing the difference between there, their, and they’re (and related spelling errors)
Now I understand that some of you didn’t have parents who loved you and cared enough to make sure you write and speak proper English, but you are grown now, probably with kids on your own. It would behoove you for the sake of your kids to not make these spelling errors. Get a 4th grade workbook, take the GED for fun (or because you really need to pass it), and bone up on your grammar. You are embarrassing to know right now.
Inbox or DM people religious scriptures to people you know don’t believe in your religion
Look, good for you that your particular brand of fairy tales gives you life in the morning, and that without it you wouldn’t know what to do, but when you KNOW that the person you are messaging has no interest in your particular brand of crazy, and you do it anyways, you are just being a prick. Unless being a pretentious douche is a tenet of your religion, then cut that shit out. All you are going to do is make them resort to logic to destroy your beliefs and for you to get all defensive and go pray/bow/Kristna dance about it later on. Don’t be an internet Jehovah’s Witness, because everyone hates them.
Put up pictures at Myspace angles because you are fat as shit
You know who the fuck you are. Never taking pictures below the bra line or cropping the shit out of pictures. You’re fat. Own that shit. If you don’t want to own that shit, then you better own a bike, a treadmill, or a gym membership. These dudes you are talking to that you are flirting with are going to want to meet you eventually, and no one likes being deceived. If you have any pics like this:
I’m gonna need to to get the fuck off the internet and get the fuck on a diet.
So, all of black Twitter and the rap blog sites are all abuzz about nude pics of Amber Rose hitting the ‘net. Am I gonna post them? Fuck no. This is a family blog dammit, and I will not have any of that shit and that fuckery displayed here. BUT I will link you at the bottom if you are wholly incompetent at using Google. Me personally? I don’t give a damn. I have actual porn. Like, a LOT of it. There are plenty of better looking chicks doing a whole lot more than just standing around with their breasts all out. Plus she isn’t that fine anyways. I’ve seen plenty of eye-candy in these 25 years on Earth, and I have been farther than 10 miles from the neighborhood I have grown up in, so she isn’t that raw.
Plus people, seriously, there’s like a world of real porn out there. Like 1/3rd of the internet is JUST porn.
Now, you might think I’m about to start telling women how to cook., but I’m not. Lord knows some of you need to learn in 2011 with all this “eating out” shit and then expecting my black ass to pay for it, but nah, this is about men cooking for women. Now some of you dudes out there ain’t going, for one reason or another, be it because your wack ass moms didn’t teach you because she was too busy shaking her ass at the club and left you at home with a box of Hot Pockets, or you are saving that shit for marriage or until unless she is doing anal, whatever. Point is, cooking is the shit, it’s easy, and if you haven’t hit it yet, it boosts your chances of it by at least 50%. Women love that shit, and I’m gonna tell you why.
1. Women love a free meal.
They do. They really do. You will be hard-pressed to find a woman bored on a Friday night that is going to turn down a free meal from a man, regardless on whether she is interested in fucking him tonight, tomorrow, or ever. That disfigured munchkin from 300 can walk into a room of single ladies and say, “Dinner at Red Lobster, my treat!” and damn near every woman in there will be down to go. Why? Because that’s one less meal they have to pay for, and they can take that money and add it to the shoe/club/birth control fund. Also they get taken out, get to dress up and look pretty, and if they are going out with a guy they aren’t interested in, it gives them a chance to scope out other dudes to talk to.
2. Women Like Being Catered To
Women love it when a man rubs their feet, massages their back, and generally does anything that they usually had to do for a man. She’s tired of having to rub the back of some unemployed dude who says, “he had a long day,” when all he did was sit up at his boy’s house playing Madden 11. She wants someone to do for her, and cooking is a easy way to do that, because you aren’t just doing for her, your ass gets to eat too. But she doesn’t see it that way. She sees it as purely done for her.
3. It’s Cheap
Now if you are one of those dudes who think that taking a chick to get a Value Meal at McDonalds counts as a special night, then this isn’t for you in the first place. We don’t cook for hoodrats, sir. Now for the men who like taking them out to places where the bill will be $30 and up, this is for you. Now why spend all that money at Red Lobster for cheddar biscuits when you can make them at home for 1/5th the price? Plus, a bedroom shouldn’t be far, so if things are going really well, she doesn’t have time to think things over about whether she wants to sleep with you.
Men, start cooking for these women, and even throw in a foot massage for extra credit as long as her feet don’t look like eagle talons. That’s definitely a proper way to seal a deal.
Ever since the first human began to wonder “where does all this s–t come from?”, people have been turning to religion for answers to questions to which they cannot find a real answer. Thankfully, much has been discovered in the ways of science and the world has lost some of its mystery. However, not everyone is on the side of reason, and people continue to place their faith in God/gods/L. Ron Hubbard/an airborne Italian entree, so I’m here to set the record straight.
*Note: I will only be discussing Judeochristian fallacy (phallicy, more like) as I have limited experience with other cultures thanks to the fact that I live in a quarantine-type Jewish community.
Part 1: The Old Testament
Written by nomadic, pastural sheepf–kers in the desert over 2000 years ago, the Hebrew bible (Torah) remarkably maintains a steady audience even in America, a decidedly developed nation. Aside from teaching morals or whatever those hebes are telling parents nowadays, it is essentially a collection of stories about an omnipresent but intangible, invisible, and undetectable man (yes, man; he is referred to as a king several times) who tells people to do unreasonable things to prove they love him and upon refusal, smites the bastards. This kind of behavior is more suited to a psychotic girlfriend than a benevolent deity. For example, God tells Abraham to kill his son, Isaac. Why? To test his faith. Incredibly, Abraham, the O.G. of sheepf–kers, obliges. He takes the kid to the top of a mountain, and as he is about to slaughter him like a sacrificial lamb, God yells from the heavens, “WTF are you doing, man?! You thought I was serious?!! Yo, angels, look at this a–hole, he was gonna do it!” or some divine equivalent. Abraham then goes home and continues to worship the figure that speaks to him but that nobody else can hear and not even he can see. If you ask me, that sounds more like schizophrenia than a holy presence.
Stay tuned for more of my sinful thoughts as well as interpreted (i.e. ruined & trashed) bible stories next week. Shabbat Shalom, sheepf–kers!
After reading this story, I wonder what the hell would possess a person to see a train coming, a train which weighs about 100,000 fucking tons, and go, “yeah this would be a peachy keen time to walk across the tracks. Yeah I know the warning gate is down and the lights are flashing, and the train is like 12 feet away, but fuck it, why not?” I then realized the white people have no natural fear whatsoever. They don’t have to worry about the police whipping their ass at random, about drive-bys, gang fights, none of that. Just the occasional meth lab blowing up or priest touching their penis after service. Besides that, no fear.
Seriously. I can’t count how many times I’m driving anywhere and I see white people just stroll across busy intersections like they are superheroes or some shit. White people don’t have fear so they have to go bungee jumping or skydiving or in the Amazon fucking looking for the deadliest snakes or get stabbed in the chest by stingrays. It’s ridiculous. It stems from white privilege. Now I’m not a man who likes to complain, I’m a man of solutions, so here’s some ideas I have been kicking around.
Assign a black person to randomly fuck with you. Once a year they just show up randomly and fuck something of yours up in front of you. Twice a year they chase you down the street, four times a year they slap you in the back of the head, and once a month they give you a harassing phone call or slash your tires while you are at the mall. They won’t tell you when they are coming or what time this happens. It just will. You know it and they know. It’s unpredictable as the police shooting a black man for his wallet. It’s fear.
For the kids we can stage mock drive-bys where a gang of people drive by firing blanks at the kids while they wait for the school bus. That’ll put a fire in their ass, some shit in their underwear, and most importantly, fear in their hearts.
For all the people who like to get their Starbucks fix in the morning, there will be a black guy that stands right by the door, and once a day he will pick someone at random as they are trying to leave and smack their coffee out their hand. Not only is that hilarious for me, but it serves its purpose.
Also a really good idea is to have a random just slap the living fuck out of your hood while you are at a stop light. That will make you nervous for at LEAST the next hour, I promise you.
Oh, and every time some wanna-be rebel activist yells at the police, they automatically have the right to whip their legs like Rick James.
These are my solutions. If you have any others feel free to put them in the comments below.
So its my day off, and I wake up like I get dressed go outside and see my neighbor SO I’m like I go the park and when I get there I see this girl looking like I thought it was a dream so I had to she wasnt though so I give her the ol so she was like and like but she had a man and he was all so I’m all like and he says he’s gonna do so I say So he tries to come at me on some but I reversed it like and then gave him that
and the girl got all excited so her clothes were all
But a bunch of his boys tried to run up but I handled that like
and I hit them with a
so all them dudes were like
so I took her back to the crib for some
but that girl was moving too fast so it was like
Nah it was more like
So my day ended with me feeling like
I have to tell y’all, I’m not a big fan of chicken. Now I know, I know, since I’m black, every time I see a bucket of fried chicken I am supposed to do this:
Well I don’t. My love affair with fried chicken was always flaky (bad pun) and I really only ate it unless I had some honey and ketchup. Eww, yes I know, that’s how I eat my food, combining strange ass condiments like a mad scientist. Around 2004-ish, I just didn’t have a taste for it anymore. I couldn’t tell you why, but I just don’t. The other thing is I don’t understand other black folks love affair with it or why fried chicken is only attributed to black people.
For example, KFC has a mascot, and his name is Colonel Sanders, an old ass white dude who look like he beat up slaves during the Civil War. Popeye’s is…well I don’t know what the hell Popeye’s is, but I’m going to make a ridiculous assumption that its Popeye the Sailor to prove my point here. Church’s Chicken, it’s just a damn chicken wing set behind a Reading Rainbow background that looked like some kid who lost every crayon but blue and yellow did. I could understand attributing fried chicken to black people if on the sign there was this guy:
It isn’t though, so what the hell is up with that shit?
Secondly, black people, we can like chicken that damn much. I mean, I have seen fights break out at local chicken places over a damn 3-piece. Hell, in Chicago we had a singing group called 3-piece. Now one of the dude goes around beauty shops singing to random chicks in hopes of one of them to pay his bills or buy one of his mixtapes.
Seriously, if you committed murder, would you confess in exchange for a bucket of chicken? No, of course not, that sounds ridiculous!
The point is, not all black people love chicken. Well some people love it entirely too damn much, as evidenced by our growing obesity rate and damn near everyone in your family has some sort of diabetes, but seriously, that ish doesn’t apply to all of us.
Now eel on the other hand…
Now I’m not one for sweeping generalizations, but dammit someone will have to explain this ish to me:
White boys must hate their balls. Who in their right mind would WILLINGLY let another person hit them in the crotch? Now I understand (but I don’t) the sadness they must feel when their penis isn’t the King Kong of the land, especially when that last chick laughed when he dropped his pants and went back to that black guy who keeps cheating on her, but I’m saying: It’s not your penis’ fault, so why punish it so much?
It’s like they have never heard of cups. Maybe they are trying to ensure they are sterile so when that inevitable call from the Maury show comes from that one country chick you went to high school with and smashed with like 5 of your friends behind a barn that one time, you can rest assured that the kid isn’t yours. After all, you destroyed any hope of having kids by letting those same friends repeatedly strike your nuts with 8-balls.
You know, it makes me look at dudes who stand around holding the crotch all the time in a different light. Maybe that’s what these hood dudes are really afraid of the man doing: Locking them up in a cell while the guards throw random objects at their balls.
Maybe that’s the reason why when I am around more monochromatic company I want to hold my balls. It may be an instinct, a genetic remembering of past wrongs committed against the nuts of my ancestors, and seeing how they treat their own nuts. I mean, if you don’t respect your own balls to not let people hit you in them, how am I supposed to know you will respect mines?
So, white boys…stop hurting your balls…its not your fault that your balls are inadequate…just blame your mom for not going raw with that black dude she met at the grocery store when she was in college to “see what it felt like…” that might explain those dirty looks your mom gives your dad after all…
First off…these ghetto conspiracy theories are fuckin retarded. I went to Kanye West’s video for Power on youtube and damn near all the comments were:
“Kanye’s in the Illuminati!!!1!”
“Fuck the illuminati and the NWO!”
“Look at his chain! It’s Horus! Illuminati!!!1!”
If you co-sign or agree with this ish, you are an idiot. If you were to ask anyone who believe this BS, I bet that they heard it from someone else, or some comment some other dumbass negro said on WSHH or something, and never actually READ or KNOW anything about the Illuminati, which hasn’t existed since 1785.
That’s right, 1785.
“B-B-B-But, I saw that one movie with Tom Hanks where Jesus and Mary were fuckin and had a kid and the Church and the Illuminati were hiding it!”
Yeah, Dan Brown is a FICTION writer. The operative word being fuckin FICTION, as in not fucking real.
“Well, explain the chain. Who pays 300k for a chain and it’s not Illuminati-related. Plus it’s of Horus. HORUS dammit!”
First off: Do you even know who the fuck Horus is? Didn’t think so. It’s the black man they stole the story of Jesus from. Yeah, Jesus isn’t original. At ALL.
Secondly, what you mean to tell me, since a whole bunch of rich white people co-opted parts of ancient African history, its no longer African history?
Maybe Kanye, with his mom being a college professor and all, might have learned Egyptian history. I know, I know, while your mom was at the club shaking her ass and you were trying to see some titties on a scrambled Cinemax channel at 1 am, you didn’t get that opportunity to learn, but his mom gave a shit about his education. Kanye may be an arrogant douche, but dumb is one thing he isn’t.
“But what about the Freemasons and Bilderberg Group! They are secret organizations!!!”
Okay, first off, you can’t be a secret organization if EVERYONE knows you exist. That makes no fucking sense. Hell, when McDonald’s decides to come out with the McRib is a more guarded secret than the existence of those groups.
“But they have meetings and no one knows what they are talking about!”
Yep, so does every Fortune 500 company in their boardrooms. Does that make them secret organizations too? At least I can fill out an application to the Freemasons and join. I’m NEVER going to be allowed to sit in the boardroom at Viacom headquarters where they decide how to mislead niggas this month.
So yes, black people, white people, fuck it, all people, learn about what you are talking about before you speak on it. You sound stupid as shit. A little bit of logic and a lot of common sense goes a long way.