Guest blog written by Colin “Jewish Eminem” Miller
I was talking to some girl in one of my classes the other day, and she mentioned Twilight. I immediately responded appropriately with, “Twilight should not be sold as a book, it should be sold as a dildo. Same purpose, fewer trees used.” At the time, I thought this was the cleverest shit I had thought of all day. It was only when I got to thinking about it that I discovered the real truth of the statement. Here is my reasoning (be warned, the comparisons are frighteningly accurate).
1. Both Twilight and dildos (dildoes?) are used to sexually stimulate women and gay men.
Now hear me out, this may be the most obvious point I have to offer, but it comes down to sheer physical logistics. The average woman or sodomite (probably) cannot fit an entire book into his or her body through the orifice of choice in one piece. Additionally, I would imagine it is quite a feat to finger one’s self while turning pages and attempting to process written language. I know that when I’m playing a solo on the ol’ skin flute, I don’t much feel like reading, although if anyone can read Twilight without vomiting, they are clearly a stronger person than I.
2. Neither Twilight nor your average dildo (with the exception of the rare and widely illegal “Charles 16-inch DICK-ens” model) has any literary value.
You caught me. I have never read Twilight. I do not plan to simply for the sake of validating my opinion, so you can chastise me for uncited evidence. However, I’m going to venture a guess that the average Twilight fan is either unfamiliar with proper analytic or expository writing standards OR too busy greasing themselves up and watching New Moon with a Jacob poster and a pint of Rocky Road ice cream to argue. Disregarding my lack of firsthand knowledge, I understand that it is a novel of poor quality, by all means. It is the story of a pale, sparkly pedophile who becomes obsessed with a marginally attractive teenager (about a 6, maybe a 7 on a good day) and asshattery ensues. I think there’s something in there about a vaguely ethnic werewolf wanting to have sex with a baby produced by the vamp and the dumb bitch, but I really hope I’m mistaken. I don’t think I am.
3. Both Twilight and dildos are used by those unable to actually get laid.
From what I have observed in malls, airports, etc., Twilight fans are mainly pre-teen girls who have recently discovered their clitori (plural of clitoris?) and their obese, chain smoking mothers. This section is rather self-explanatory, although I would like to add that Twilight has done an impeccable job of concocting two characters that are guaranteed to wet any dumb white girl’s whistle by generating the image of the two perfect men. It’s basically porn without pictures. The worst part is that some girls actually believe there are men like Edward Cullen, and are disappointed and angry to find out otherwise. I hate to be the one to break this to all you bitches, but any man with any semblance to Stephanie Myers’ characters is either a raging homosexual or taken by someone much hotter than you or Kristen Stewart, for that matter.
Hope you enjoyed that breakdown of why Twilight should be recycled into toilet paper immediately and redesigned as a firm but yielding false penis.