This is going to be a list of shit that people need to get kicked off the fucking internet for. Like no bullshit kicked off the internet, or at least any type of social media.
Taking pictures of your baby laying in your tax refund money
Oh so you balling now huh? Then why were you only drinking water at the bar last month and your car still sitting on a flat at your cousin’s house since last summer? This shit is the height of ignorance, and don’t worry, I’m gonna save that picture, so next time you talk about how you are too broke to do something, I’ll make sure to pull up the picture and ask about your baller status and why your baby doesn’t have any new clothes since that picture.
Not knowing the difference between there, their, and they’re (and related spelling errors)
Now I understand that some of you didn’t have parents who loved you and cared enough to make sure you write and speak proper English, but you are grown now, probably with kids on your own. It would behoove you for the sake of your kids to not make these spelling errors. Get a 4th grade workbook, take the GED for fun (or because you really need to pass it), and bone up on your grammar. You are embarrassing to know right now.
Inbox or DM people religious scriptures to people you know don’t believe in your religion
Look, good for you that your particular brand of fairy tales gives you life in the morning, and that without it you wouldn’t know what to do, but when you KNOW that the person you are messaging has no interest in your particular brand of crazy, and you do it anyways, you are just being a prick. Unless being a pretentious douche is a tenet of your religion, then cut that shit out. All you are going to do is make them resort to logic to destroy your beliefs and for you to get all defensive and go pray/bow/Kristna dance about it later on. Don’t be an internet Jehovah’s Witness, because everyone hates them.
Put up pictures at Myspace angles because you are fat as shit
You know who the fuck you are. Never taking pictures below the bra line or cropping the shit out of pictures. You’re fat. Own that shit. If you don’t want to own that shit, then you better own a bike, a treadmill, or a gym membership. These dudes you are talking to that you are flirting with are going to want to meet you eventually, and no one likes being deceived. If you have any pics like this:
I’m gonna need to to get the fuck off the internet and get the fuck on a diet.
Ever since the first human began to wonder “where does all this s–t come from?”, people have been turning to religion for answers to questions to which they cannot find a real answer. Thankfully, much has been discovered in the ways of science and the world has lost some of its mystery. However, not everyone is on the side of reason, and people continue to place their faith in God/gods/L. Ron Hubbard/an airborne Italian entree, so I’m here to set the record straight.
*Note: I will only be discussing Judeochristian fallacy (phallicy, more like) as I have limited experience with other cultures thanks to the fact that I live in a quarantine-type Jewish community.
Part 1: The Old Testament
Written by nomadic, pastural sheepf–kers in the desert over 2000 years ago, the Hebrew bible (Torah) remarkably maintains a steady audience even in America, a decidedly developed nation. Aside from teaching morals or whatever those hebes are telling parents nowadays, it is essentially a collection of stories about an omnipresent but intangible, invisible, and undetectable man (yes, man; he is referred to as a king several times) who tells people to do unreasonable things to prove they love him and upon refusal, smites the bastards. This kind of behavior is more suited to a psychotic girlfriend than a benevolent deity. For example, God tells Abraham to kill his son, Isaac. Why? To test his faith. Incredibly, Abraham, the O.G. of sheepf–kers, obliges. He takes the kid to the top of a mountain, and as he is about to slaughter him like a sacrificial lamb, God yells from the heavens, “WTF are you doing, man?! You thought I was serious?!! Yo, angels, look at this a–hole, he was gonna do it!” or some divine equivalent. Abraham then goes home and continues to worship the figure that speaks to him but that nobody else can hear and not even he can see. If you ask me, that sounds more like schizophrenia than a holy presence.
Stay tuned for more of my sinful thoughts as well as interpreted (i.e. ruined & trashed) bible stories next week. Shabbat Shalom, sheepf–kers!