This post goes out to all the white people who live in damn near all-white areas and encounter a black person 2, 3 times a year tops. This one’s for you.
As I sat in Starbucks on my laptop smashing some oatmeal cookies Sunday night, a man comes in. White, middle aged, disheveled looking, but nothing out of the ordinary in Highland Park, where I live. I was at Starbucks because my internet was down for some crazy ass reason and I needed to finish some work and do some stuff for the blog. Well, backtrack. First it was only me and this white girl in there out of the whole coffee shop. There is a long couch that’s a good 14 feet long. She sat at one end, and I sat down at the other. In 30 seconds she got up and moved ALL the way over to the other side of the coffee shop. I guess a black man in medical scrubs is intimidating to her.
Anyways, so I have the whole couch to myself when this guy comes in. He proceeds to sit as close as he humanly could to me it seems, and keeps glancing at me. I’m zoning out typing so I’m not really paying him any mind. Then after about 2 minutes he breaks my concentration with a question:
“Hey, do you like reggae?”
I gave this dude the side-eye from hell. In my mind I was thinking to myself, “where in the hell is this line of questioning going?” So I responded,
“Nope. I hate it.”
Then he comes back with
“Well what about rap and R&B?”
Now I’m pretty much glaring down this dude trying to decide whether I should chop his ass in the throat or dump his coffee on his head…and then chop his ass in the throat. But I just respond
“Nope. I listen to blues, music from the 20s, 30s, and 40’s.”
I said this in hopes he would stop asking me questions, or basically shut the hell up talking to me. But he had to finish it off with this:
“Oh I just thought you listened to reggae because you look like a soulful person.”
What the fuck does that even mean? How does someone hammering away angrily on a laptop look soulful? That’s about the dumbest shit I ever heard, this month.
Listen white people, if you don’t encounter black people often, here’s a tip. Talk to us the same exact way you would a white person. Don’t come at us saying “What’s up bro” or “dog” or any unnecessary slang to make yourself look cool. It’s hella offensive and we immediately label you are either retarded or racist, sometimes both. So if you are about to say something to a black person you don’t know, ask yourself these things:
Am I asking because they are black?
Is this in any way associated with any stereotypes?
If the answer is no to both, then go ahead. But don’t be that guy or that silly ass racist chick either.
I should have stolen her purse.
After reading this story, I wonder what the hell would possess a person to see a train coming, a train which weighs about 100,000 fucking tons, and go, “yeah this would be a peachy keen time to walk across the tracks. Yeah I know the warning gate is down and the lights are flashing, and the train is like 12 feet away, but fuck it, why not?” I then realized the white people have no natural fear whatsoever. They don’t have to worry about the police whipping their ass at random, about drive-bys, gang fights, none of that. Just the occasional meth lab blowing up or priest touching their penis after service. Besides that, no fear.
Seriously. I can’t count how many times I’m driving anywhere and I see white people just stroll across busy intersections like they are superheroes or some shit. White people don’t have fear so they have to go bungee jumping or skydiving or in the Amazon fucking looking for the deadliest snakes or get stabbed in the chest by stingrays. It’s ridiculous. It stems from white privilege. Now I’m not a man who likes to complain, I’m a man of solutions, so here’s some ideas I have been kicking around.
Assign a black person to randomly fuck with you. Once a year they just show up randomly and fuck something of yours up in front of you. Twice a year they chase you down the street, four times a year they slap you in the back of the head, and once a month they give you a harassing phone call or slash your tires while you are at the mall. They won’t tell you when they are coming or what time this happens. It just will. You know it and they know. It’s unpredictable as the police shooting a black man for his wallet. It’s fear.
For the kids we can stage mock drive-bys where a gang of people drive by firing blanks at the kids while they wait for the school bus. That’ll put a fire in their ass, some shit in their underwear, and most importantly, fear in their hearts.
For all the people who like to get their Starbucks fix in the morning, there will be a black guy that stands right by the door, and once a day he will pick someone at random as they are trying to leave and smack their coffee out their hand. Not only is that hilarious for me, but it serves its purpose.
Also a really good idea is to have a random just slap the living fuck out of your hood while you are at a stop light. That will make you nervous for at LEAST the next hour, I promise you.
Oh, and every time some wanna-be rebel activist yells at the police, they automatically have the right to whip their legs like Rick James.
These are my solutions. If you have any others feel free to put them in the comments below.